Friendly vs Friends in a Leadership Role
In the last episode and blog, I shared that I started a new job in the fitness industry, and I love it. In a leadership role we are faced with many challenges, especially middle management. So I now spend a lot of my time listening to business based podcasts and watching some of the great leaders on YouTube.
This last week the topic of friendly vs friends in a leadership role, came up and it got me thinking.
Is there a right or a wrong here, or just some best practices to keep in mind while managing human beings? I’ll let you decide…
Out of curiosity, I looked up the definition of both to share with you.
Definition of friendly: kind and pleasant, a person on good or affectionate terms, favorable or serviceable.
Definition of friends: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
My curiosity got the best of me and I threw this question out to the Curiosity Junkie Facebook group; Do you believe that in a leadership role, you can be friendly or friends with those in your charge?
These were some of the responses.
Chris Butterfield - Yes have had my best friend and my ex wife both work under me, just have to make it very clear when your at work business is business NO exceptions.
Bryan Porter - Friendly? Yes. Friends? That's a fine line to navigate. It is super important to give ALL earned respect to your employees and create a pleasant, fair and safe work environment but I have to tap the brakes on my operations team not to get too buddy buddy with the pilots so as to blur that line. It can lead to ambiguity about who's the boss, create an appearance of favoritism and lead to a casual regard for company policies. I generally don't accept friend requests from employees until after they have left the company.
Donna Gwin - I’ve had multiple bosses that have been friendly at work and also friends outside of work. When at work both parties need to recognize their role and act accordingly.
Deborah Sunstrom - I think you should always be friendly and friends only when you are confident of the individual's maturity and personality.
Eithnae Harrison - Being a school principal I always maintained friendly relationships with my staff (even the challenging personalities). I never pursued friendships with them until after I moved to other schools. The rationale; if a riff develops in the friendship or a reprimand is required, the workplace can become very awkward or even toxic.
Owen Lewis - Absolutely, they are beneficial to both parties! As long as both realize their roles and don’t take advantage.
Lisa Cone - I agree with this. I had a few friends from work who reported to me. they were carefully selected.
Keep in mind we are not talking about co-workers, who work at the same level as yourself. Friendships with co-workers are essential to a happy, fulfilled work environment. What we are talking about is how a leader interacts with their team, those in their charge.
As you can see, there are many schools of thought on this topic.
Years ago I began working in retail sales, and I was good at it, and promoted into management. Now mind you I had no previous management experience. I had never managed a team of people, the numbers/goals or store operations, and yet I found myself thrilled to be a manager.
Fortunately for me, I had just experienced working with one of the best managers followed by working for the worst managers I’ve ever experienced.
The first manager was always professional with staff and customers. She knew how to praise and how to coach when needed. She led by example, always walking the floor, engaging with customers and working alongside us during floor sets. She cared about the numbers & goals, she cared about her team and the customers. She made us feel safe, secure, confident and we trusted her to have our back. I still remember her name, Staci England. Staci if you’re out there listening, thank you for being an amazing leader and manager.
This amazing experience was followed by what I would call the most challenging manager I have ever worked for. And yes, I still remember her name too and will not be mentioning it here today. My hope is that she, at some point in her career, received coaching and or mentorship that helped her grow and develop better management skills.
This second manager was professional with a touch of do as I say, not as I do mentality. Maybe it was a sense of entitlement, I’m not sure. She sat in the office for most of her shift, coming out only to make sure we had done all that she tasked us with. She had her favorites and they were rarely given tasks freeing them up to sell. We pretty much lived in fear. Fear of being singled out, fear of being embarrassed, fear of making a mistake, fear of losing our jobs, fear of not advancing, fear of working too hard and looking better than her. The environment she created was one of fear, we felt unsafe, insecure and trust was nonexistent.
What a great experience to have happened early in my sales career, because I learned who I wanted to manage me, and more importantly how I wanted to manage a team.
On the podcast No Bullshit Leadership with Martin G. Moore, episode 197 - Why Can’t We Be Friends? Navigating Friendships as a leader. Martin shares his philosophy and experience on friendly versus friends. He stated, “being friendly is essential and demonstrates you care about the people who show up everyday to give their best to you and the team. And in his experience you won’t be able to get the best from your team unless you know them well. Otherwise how will you know how far to stretch them, or read the signs of stress or burnout. How would you be able to find development opportunities that align with their career ambitions.” Being friendly is the starting point for trust and respect.
There was a time when bosses ruled with fear - command and control, which no longer works. We are, afterall, human beings who crave connectedness.
Paul Hargreaves, a B-Corp ambassador, speaker and author of The Fourth Bottom Line: Flourishing in the new era of compassionate leadership. “Some may argue that friendships at work make it difficult to address issues of performance management. Others might think that work and pleasure don’t mix. And still others say that bosses should keep their private life private and not let their people see their whole self.”
Hargreaves himself disagrees with this view. “For far too long we have run our businesses with leaders leading in a rather distant, mechanistic, command-and-control mode, which no longer works. Far better for businesses to be full of people, including bosses, being their real selves, focused around a strong purpose and having fun while achieving their goals. Within this healthy environment, friendships at all levels will inevitably happen.”
Martin Moore also shares his thoughts on why being friends with the people in your charge isn’t a good idea.
It changes the nature of the relationship on both sides. It makes it difficult to be impartial.
No matter what you say or think you will find it even harder to do the hard work of leadership when it comes to friends you’ll reject the negatives and instead give them the benefit of the doubt in every situation.
It will be harder to overcome your in-built biases. You will no doubt have a higher level of respect and admiration for them.
You need to exercise your duty and care as a leader without fear or favor. Give all the same opportunity, support and protections.
A friend will eat into your “respect before popularity” mantra. With friends we want to be popular, we don’t want to risk being unpopular.
You’ll find it hard to keep your guard up. Likely to share things you probably shouldn’t with a friend.
There will be perceptions of favoritism by your team, this will eroad your credibility.
When a friend under performs and you have to make the tough decision to remove them from their role, that leaves a nasty taste in everyone's mouth. And when you take action it will most likely result in the end of the friendship for all involved, including any friends of those friends who also decide you’re the devil. Leaving a noticeable hole in your social calendar.
If we are doing our job as leaders, we are spending 90% of our time with our top producers. Which means we will naturally become closer to them. Martin says, “The secret here is to make sure that you keep a professional distance no matter what.”
I find all of this very interesting and like that there are many schools of thought on this topic.
My experience is that early in my career, while developing my leadership skills, I was promoted after becoming friends with those I worked with. And it was very challenging to navigate the friendships and the job responsibilities. Lines got blurred, people quit and people were let go. It was the learning experience of a lifetime.
Today, maybe because I have done the hard work on myself and I can set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others, I find myself being more friendly than friends at work. I believe it’s a bit like parenting. I care for those in my charge and want the best for them personally and professionally. And like parenting, I am not here to be their friend. I am, however, here to support their growth and success, and will encourage them to be independent thinkers in order to be confident decision makers. My goal is to create a safe and secure environment for them to speak openly and freely while building mutual trust and respect.
I believe that when we create these amazing work relationships that say “I’m here for you, and I support you and the job we do together.” When we feel safe, we can be vulnerable and brave, sharing openly and honestly, which will in turn create a collaborative and focused work environment.
That’s it for me today. I would love to know your thoughts on friendly vs friends in a leadership role, so feel free to leave a comment.
